Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
