...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
