I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
