I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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