I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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