and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
