I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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