I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
