Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
