So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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