My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
