Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Success! We fucked roommates!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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