he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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