stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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