i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
