I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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