I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
