Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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