ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Sacagawea was the original milf.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
