Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
