I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
