If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
