Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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