i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
