yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
