so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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