it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
