It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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