I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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