i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize