I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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