you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
