By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
