He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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