I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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