The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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