I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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