Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
