For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
