It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize