Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just want to make out with him forever
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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