Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
