They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
