Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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