she smelled like a LAN party
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
