That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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