I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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