I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just gargled with NyQuil
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
