It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
