Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
