my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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