I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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