If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
