you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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