Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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