She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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