so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
