Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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