just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize