You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
