No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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