this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
