Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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