Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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