a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
