im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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