Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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