accomplished twins. life is a go
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
