I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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