just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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