they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
